Happy Trails

Just Four Chords

Salmaan found this video--I love it!

Figure Knitting Class

 

Why I Miss J.L.

There's a judge in my jurisdiction that retired about a year ago now. I think he's fantastic, and really miss him. Fortunately, he still sits as a sub judge from time to time, and did so all this week. It seems everyone has a J.L. story--most of them are funny, although quite a few are touching as well. This one is just awesome. 

This week one of my colleagues show caused a defendant on a prior DUI conviction (that basically means that he did something wrong--in this case, received another conviction for DUI, when he was supposed to keep the peace and be of good behavior--so he has to "show cause" why he shouldn't have to serve the remainder of his suspended jail sentence on the first DUI). His attorney wanted to have the defendant evaluated for an alternative sentencing program--in this case, one that is specifically for individuals with both substance abuse and mental health issues. This is a good fit for some offenders--they can get the treatment and supervision that they (and the community) need, and a jail cell is saved for someone who should be incarcerated. The only rub is that a defendant must be incarcerated into order to be evaluated for this particular program. If they're out on bond, they can't be considered.

Well, in this case, (and this is going to get a little technical, but it's important for understanding the story) because the defendant was show caused (instead of having a capias issued, which could incarcerate him), there was no mechanism by which he could be put in jail when he came to court. Additionally, it would have taken a lot of time, money, and paperwork to have a capias issued, so my colleague and the defense attorney were trying to figure out the easiest way to make this happen. (This, in and of itself, is a pretty comical situation--normally people are figuring out how to stay OUT of jail, not how to get IN). 

They're at the bench, having this discussion, and J.L. says, "Don't mind me, I'm just thinking out loud, but how about we do this--why don't you just have your client come out here and call me a son of a bitch?" (Another technical aside--this was a BRILLIANT idea--the defendant could be found in contempt, sentenced to a term of incarceration so he could get the evaluation, no additional papers had to be issued, and the matter would be carried over and dismissed when the show cause was heard down the road--every goal could be reached with the utterance of only four words.)

Well, defense attorney goes back into lock-up, talks to his client, and the deputy brings the defendant out before the judge. J.L. said, "Son, I believe there's something you wanted to say to me?" defendant said, "Yes sir, you're of a sonofabitch!" to which J.L. laughed, said, "Thank you!" and issued the papers for contempt. 

A fun story about an amazing judge, and a brilliant legal fiction. There's nobody like J.L.

Tasting, Touring, and the Nitty Gritty of Those Grapes Up Your Ass--I Mean! In Your GLASS...

Okay, so it's high time for a rant, folks. HIGH TIME. This is directed not at you, dear readers, but the World in general--especially the world encompassing tasting rooms across America--or, more specifically, their visitors. 

First of all, I LOVE wine tasting. LOVE. There is something magical about touring through beautiful countryside, and leisurely visiting a small farm winery, surrounded by vineyards (many of which have been painstakingly planted by ancestors, spouses, friends, sons, and daughters), and literally enjoying the fruits of the vine. There is a physical music in tasting a handcrafted wine that has clearly been coaxed and cared for throughout the fermentation process, and is a reflection of the passion that the owners and winemakers have for their land and their craft. These guys are a perfect example.

We have toured and tasted in the Napa Valley, Willamette Valley, and across Virginia as well as a few other states here and there. I share this not to tout my knowledge or expertise, but to illuminate the fact that in my experience, people do NOT know how to behave when tasting and touring. It isn't a Here or There thing, it's an everywhere thing, and it's high time someone said something about it!

There are books of etiquette on just about everything: How to write a thank you note, how to plan a wedding, sushi bar etiquette...how to how to how to....After this weekend, I googled "wine tasting etiquette" and this was a pretty consistent example of the results generated. None of these resources tell you the appropriate way to BEHAVE...not really, at least...and isn't that the biggest part of what proper etiquette is all about? Civility? 

I have been shocked by the behavior I have witnessed in tasting rooms these last few years. And no, I'm not talking about that guy who didn't know how to aerate the wine in his mouth, and ended up sucking it down his throat, resulting in a coughing spasm that was incredibly protracted and probably quite painful...*quick aside to shake head with affectionate pity*. I'm talking about the entitled Turds that walk into a tasting room and put on an invisible black robe, imagining they are Judges of the High Court of Spirits and Libation. You aren't there to JUDGE, friends, you're there to SAMPLE, and, if you're lucky, truly enjoy.

The rules of the elementary school playground apply here. There should be no pushing, shoving, cutting in line, or name calling. It is not nice to "hog the ball", so to speak, and stretch your elbows so that you can dub yourself Queen of the Tasting Bar. It is still considered impolite to "make faces", and talk about the fat kid behind his back in a whisper that an Armadillo could hear 5 miles away. (They're hard of hearing by the way. Very, very, hard of hearing). Oh, and furthermore, as ALWAYS, NOBODY likes a know-it-all. 

In my opinion, a tasting room is like the foyer of a person's home. You should be conscious of the fact that this is someone's craft and passion. They are NOT there to please you. YOU came to THEM, not to be SERVED, but to SAMPLE. There's a huge difference between going wine tasting and going out to dinner. If you don't like what you taste, then be polite, and move on. So many times I have stood beside the quintessential Hermione Granger of Oenology, who can't seem to stifle her incessant desire to be an insufferable know-it-all, and feels it is incumbent upon HER to inform the tasting room of what SHE thinks of every wine on the menu. *whew! That was a long one...deep breath in recovery...* And I just want to say, "Oh really? And what do you think about the Cabernet Franc?" and then, RIGHT after she begins to pontificate, I want to get all Oprah on her ass and abruptly BARK, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKuh!!!" And watch her blink as the realization of Truth dawns in her eyes....it really doesn't matter what she thinks--to anyone else, that is. Keep your trap shut, Granger!

 

You wouldn't stand in the foyer of someone's home, as a guest, and criticize their choice of wall color, would you? (Well, most people wouldn't, there are always exceptions to the rule). Nothing obligates you to purchase--the whole point of tasting is for you to determine if you WANT to purchase. Whether you choose to or not, the goal of the exercise has been achieved. Your sampling informed your decision, either way.

It seems what I would consider "comprehensive" literature on wine tasting just isn't available. Perhaps that's because no one who is passionate about a hobby or activity would consider it necessary to inform a newcomer how to avoid being an ass while doing it. That's something we're supposed to have learned already, right? On the elementary school playground? 

Yes, I could go on. And on, and on and on and on and on and on. But, I won't. I'll spare you that. You get the point, right? Soak it all in, enjoy your time, savor the intention in every glass. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. And for goodness sakes, if you're going to buy a glass, DO IT, and move your ass! And to that, I say, "Salute". 

Overshare FAIL

Well, we're back from vacation, and we have been met with many surprises since our return (more to come on that). One of those surprises was hiding in my office on Tuesday morning. As I'm sure many of you can relate, I was a little "out of it" when I came back to work. A week at the beach, TEN DAYS without a single court appearance, suit or heels...*sigh...BLISS!*...It'll do that to you. Imagine my surprise when I opened my office door, JUST as my thoughts were starting to come together and I was getting back in the work frame of mind--and I see, THIS:

No wonder no one said hello or welcome back when I walked in the door--they were all creeping behind me to see my reaction to what has probably been the biggest prank in some time. My reaction? Holy Shitballs. 

You see, about 4 months back, I had a little..."overshare" moment in the lunchroom. A co-worker was talking about the local zoo, and was describing the lay-out of the place.

Melissa: "Oh, and then you go down this path, and beside the Zebra exhibit is a large cage full of lemurs!" 

me: "Lemurs?!?! Ugh. Gross. Those things are creepy and evil."

Melissa and everyone else in the lunchroom: "What do you mean? You don't like LEMURS?"

me: *casually, not realizing that everyone is leaning in, waiting to pounce on and devour any sign of weakness, any CHINK in the amour...* "Yeah, I can't stand them. They freak me out. Ever since I was a kid. One day I saw a special on them on the nature channel, and ever since then I've had a recurring nightmare with them in it. Something about the eyes."

"OH REALLY????" They all said. And then, I knew. I was doomed.

My new nickname on the sign-in board (which shows if we're in court, in the clerk's office, at lunch, or out of the office with a magnetic dot) was changed to "Nice Little Lemur Girl" (the nice little girl part is another story). And....well....you can see the rest.

There are pictures in my files, in my calendar, I pulled out my sentencing guidelines binder today and Section B of the Larceny worksheet is obscured by a full on color photograph....they're still turning up. And, I have a feeling, they will continue to do so for quite some time to come. Until, of course, the next new guy or girl has an overshare moment. 

In the end? A pretty awesome prank, despite the fact that I have been creeped out for the last 3 days as I didn't have time to de-lemurfy my office until this evening. I have been told I can keep the greys hanging from the ceiling. Sangeeta bought them especially for this occasion off of Ebay. It'll be hard to beat this, but I've got nothing but time my friends...nothing but time....;-)

*By the way, don't look into their eyes. They'll steal your soul. Fo Real.*

Quick! Somebody Call a Priest!

Have you ever seen the movie the Exorcism of Emily Rose? It's seriously freaky--I wouldn't recommend it if you don't like scary movies. Anyways, there's this scene where she and her boyfriend fall asleep together in her dorm room. Unfortunately for him, when he wakes up, she's on the floor, all contorted in this impossible pose, staring up at him with manic eyes. I tried to search for an image of it online to include in this post for comparison, and nearly peed my pants looking at the other image results in google. I wasn't able to find the one I'm referencing...but you get the idea.

SO, last night I come into the bedroom around midnight, and see this:

River is fast asleep, and I mean rock solid. I found it very funny (and a little scary). Know what else is funny and scary, all at the same time? 

This is one of the images that popped up during my Google search of the Exorcism of Emily Rose. Um. Awesomesauce. 

Where Did You Say You Were From?

Today Salmaan had a patient ask him what tanning salon he frequented. Because, in her own words, "You have the most amazingly even base tan I've ever seen!" 

There are no words. Except, maybe....AWESOME. You can't make this shit up. 

10 Reasons Why...

Mittens are the bomb. And you should knit some, right now.

1) You can express your anger/road rage/frustration/insanity by flicking people off...and they'll never know...

(btw, just as an aside...*ahem--Mr. Mackey voice* "road rage is bad....mmmmkay?" I mean, srlsy. Don't follow people around that cut you off, don't ride people's bumpers, and do NOT throw crap out of your window at their car. In case you didn't know, that's a FELONY, people. Even if it's a soda bottle. Or, possibly a boogar. (Haven't gotten a boogar case yet...I have gotten a soda bottle case...and a water bottle case...and a small rock case...you get the idea...). Feel free to flick them off...BUT only if you are wearing mittens, mmmmkay?

2) PERFECT for people with webbed fingers. Be made fun of NO MORE!

3) If you cross your fingers while making a promise, it'll be our little secret...

4) You can make the Vulcan Sign of Peace, and no one will realize what a dork you are. Well...maybe they will...

5) If you're shy, you can tell someone you love them with sign language even if you're not ready to say it out loud.

6) You can do a great seal impression by barking squeakily while clapping your hands together. Great for the kids...or horrified spouses... *no picture necessary--use your imagination, people!*

7) You can rock out to music in your car while still looking like you're acting your age.

8) You no longer have to be afraid of mistakenly flashing a gang sign in that sketchy part of town...

 
 9) Your spouse will appreciate that you'll be unable to use the remote control, and it's HIS turn to control the volume...

10) They keep your hands warm. And you'll look cute, and adorable, and *sigh*....I love mittens...

These, in particular:

 Little Plait Cable Mittens, pattern available here. I knit these with Malabrigo Merino Worsted on #8 dpns. The colorway is Jacinto. Size is woman's large.

I did make some slight modifications: after doing the thumb on leftie as directed in the pattern, I found it to be too tight, even after blocking. So, I ripped it out, and modified it by picking up 6 stitches intsead of 4, and doing 13 rows instead of 10. Ahhhhh, much better. Did the same on rightie. Also, I knit about 26 body rounds (instead of the 20 that was noted as "average" in the pattern. I must have extra long fingers or something). I say I knit "about" 26 body rounds because rightie came out a bit bigger than leftie, so I think I might have knit one additional row when I made rightie. Here's a better shot to illustrate the difference--I introduce, Hellboy Mittens!

My gauge was a bit looser when I knit rightie, also. I did a few projects in between each one, which I probably won't do in the future for this exact reason. I'm considering trying to felt rightie a bit, but I haven't decided. When I make these again, I might modify the pattern further by doing one more thumb increase round than is called for in the pattern, thereby making the thumb hole even roomier.

Anyway, friends, go knit some mittens!! And utilize that self-timer on your camera, it's fun.

You're A What?

Sometimes, being an attorney really doesn't suck.

Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Today was a good friend of mine's birthday. We went to grad school together, and now we work together. I got my current job because he recommended me. Don't know why the hell he did that...Anyway, to commemorate the occassion, I brought in some cupcakes, and everyone enjoyed them in the breakroom, in typical "office space" fashion. I paid $1 for the right to post the following:

*Mmmmmmm, tasty goodness....*

That was worth $2 at least...I love bargains. Happy Birthday, Rino. Sherando loves you.